The Teddy Bear
by Arcane-Angel
Summary: Voldemort teams up with the Big Bad Wolf to steal Harry Potter's teddy bear - can Snape save the day?
1. An unlikely ally

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine.  
  
Harry snuggles down with Brutus, his teddy bear. He has just got to Hogwarts, and is glad to be away from the Dursleys. Little does he know what is about to happen…  
  
Voldemort- Hey! You up there!  
  
Me (author type penguin)- Yes?  
  
Voldemort- When do I come in?  
  
ATP- In a minute, just hang on!  
  
As Harry slept, Voldemort and the Big Bad Wolf (who shall henceforth be known as 'V' and 'BBW') plotted together.  
  
V- I have worked out where Harry gets all his power from.  
  
BBW- Where?  
  
V- his teddy bear. It is a fiendishly cunning plan to try and stop me from guessing where it is.  
  
BBW nods for a while, and looks thoughtful.  
  
BBW- Huh?  
  
V- If I can steal Harry Potter's Teddy, then he will be powerless, and it will be easy to kill him. Mwah ha ha ha ha ha!  
  
BBW- I see. So where does the cheese come into it again?  
  
V- what cheese?  
  
ATP- Can you get on with it please, I have a story to write!  
  
V- Oh, right, Sorry. Anyway, my plan is to steal the teddy.  
  
BBW- Oh, right. (Long pause) What teddy?  
  
V- (screams) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Anyway, we leave this happy scene to return to Harry and his chums at Hogwarts. They are all eating breakfast in the Great Hall.  
  
Harry- I had a dream last night.  
  
Ron- (not interested) Oh.  
  
Ron carries on eating his witchabix.  
  
Harry- It had my teddy bear in it.  
  
Ron- (even more uninterested) Oh.  
  
Ron starts to read the back of the witchabix box.  
  
Harry- You were in it too.  
  
Ron- (curiously) Oh?  
  
Harry- Yeah. I suppose I'd better stop eating cheese before I go to bed.  
  
BBW- Yay! Cheese!  
  
ATP- What? Your not in this scene!  
  
BBW- Oops. Sorry. I forgot.  
  
ATP- Good. Go to your room.  
  
BBW- (subdued) Ok.  
  
Ron- You've been working on that for a long time, haven't you?  
  
Harry- Well… yeah. All week, actually!  
  
Ron- ok then…  
  
Luckily, a small thin letter falls in to Harry's lap at that very moment. The post has arrived.  
  
Harry- That's funny. I wasn't expecting any post.  
  
Ron- Open it.  
  
Harry opens the letter.  
  
Harry- (reading) 'Dear Harry Pooter, We have your teddy bear! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Sorry, I got a little carried away there. Lord Voldemort.' I wonder who it's from.  
  
Ron- I think it's probably from Voldemort.  
  
Harry- What gives you that idea?  
  
Ron- He signed it.  
  
Harry- Oh yeah… Oh no! He has my teddy! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	2. The troops are called in

Thanks for all your input, the answer to your questions are:  
  
Hermione was busy reading, and the big bad wolf just likes cheese.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own them, They don't own me, and who would want to sue me anyway?  
  
Chapter 2:  
  
Hermione- What's the matter?  
  
Harry- Voldemort stole my teddy!  
  
Hermione- Oh no!  
  
Ron- we'd better go to Divinity.  
  
Harry- I'll see you there. I just have to go to the toilet.  
  
Harry goes off. Hermione and Ron both go to their lessons.  
  
Meanwhile, in Voldemort's country cottage, he and BBW are discussing gardening.  
  
V- I have to say, I prefer yellow roses to red ones. They bring out my eyes.  
  
BBW- I thought we were talking about cheese?  
  
V- You were wrong.  
  
BBW- Oh. Like normal, then.  
  
V- Yes.  
  
Harry didn't really need the toilet, he had decided that life wasn't worth living without his teddy, so he had gone to kill himself. He went to the potions dungeon, and started brewing a poison. Suddenly, he heard a voice.  
  
Snape- And what, Mr Potter, do you think you're doing?  
  
Harry- Um… er…  
  
Snape- That potion is blue. The only blue potions are poisonous. Were you trying to poison Mr Malfoy, Mr Potter?  
  
Harry- No. I was trying to kill myself.  
  
Snape- And why, pray, were you planning to do that?  
  
Harry- He took my teddy bear!  
  
At this point, Harry bursts into tears.  
  
Snape- I see.  
  
Suddenly, Buffy, Spike and Dawn (from BtVS) appear with a poof (who then gets bored and wanders off after Flitwick).  
  
Buffy- Huh? 


	3. Love at first sight?

Hi again!  
  
Disclaimer: Honestly, I don't own very much, especially not these people  
  
Please review this!  
  
Chapter 3:  
  
Harry- Um… Hello.  
  
Buffy- Hi. What are we doing here?  
  
Snape- I don't know.  
  
Buffy- Okay. Who are you?  
  
Harry- My name is Harry Potter. This is Professor Severus Snape. Who are you?  
  
Dawn- I'm Dawn. This is Spike and Buffy.  
  
Spike- Hi. Where are we?  
  
Snape- You're in Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. In England.  
  
Buffy, Spike and Dawn look around.  
  
ATP- Um, Guys?  
  
Everyone- Yes?  
  
ATP- Shouldn't you be looking for Harry's teddy?  
  
Buffy- Huh?  
  
Snape- Mr. Potter's teddy has been stolen.  
  
Harry is not paying attention.  
  
Harry- Hello, Dawn.  
  
Dawn- Hello, Harry.  
  
Harry- Why don't I give you the guided tour?  
  
Dawn- Alright.  
  
Dawn and Harry leave. Snape explains the situation to Buffy and Spike.  
  
Spike- Right. So we were brought all the way from Sunnydale to find some 15- year-old's teddy.  
  
Snape- Yup.  
  
Spike- Great.  
  
Buffy- Well, we'd better get this over with. Where do we start looking?  
  
Snape- I don't know.  
  
ATP- Why don't you try Voldemort's country cottage?  
  
Spike- Good idea. Where is it?  
  
ATP- I'll transport you there, if you like.  
  
Buffy- I'll just go and find Dawn and Harry.  
  
Buffy goes off in search of Harry and Dawn. The first person she sees is Ron.  
  
Ron- (Suave) Hellooo!  
  
Buffy- (Completely oblivious to the fact that Ron has fallen in love) Hi. Where would I find Harry Potter?  
  
Ron- Probably the common room. I'll take you there.  
  
They walk along together. Slayer and idiot.  
  
Ron- Hey!  
  
ATP- What?  
  
Ron- I'm not an idiot!  
  
ATP- Oh yeah? What's 2 + 2?  
  
Ron- That's easy. 22.  
  
ATP- (Deeply, deeply sarcastic) Yeah. Of course it is.  
  
Ron and Buffy eventually get to the fat lady. Ron took the long route.  
  
Ron- Seismio.  
  
The fat lady swings forward to reveal the Gryffindor common room. Hermione is in one corner, buried in books. The Weasley twins are looking at a picture of a cauldron. There are notes all around it, and the potion inside it is blue. Harry is nowhere to be seen. 


	4. Almost there...

Disclaimer: If I owned them, I wouldn't be writing this, would I?  
  
Chapter 4:  
  
Ron- Let's check in the dormitory.  
  
They went into the boys dormitory. There was a big lump under the duvet of one bed. It was giggling.  
  
Ron- Harry?  
  
Harry's head emerges from the cover. His hair is ruffled, he has lipstick all over his face, and his glasses are sideways.  
  
Harry- What?  
  
Ron- This person wants you.  
  
Harry- So does her sister.  
  
Buffy- Dawn? Get out of there!  
  
Dawn peeks out.  
  
Dawn- What?  
  
Buffy- We have to go.  
  
Dawn- But we just got here!  
  
Buffy- Harry's coming too.  
  
Dawn thinks for a minute.  
  
Dawn- Okay. Let me just find my bra.  
  
Buffy- I didn't hear that.  
  
They all go back to Snape and Spike. They seem to have been getting along very well. They are also drunk. It has taken Buffy quite a while.  
  
Spike- Buffy! Kiss me.  
  
Buffy- Eeeeeeewwww! You're drunk. And no!  
  
ATP now feels that it is time to intervene. She waves her magic wand, and they all disappear.  
  
Spike- Hang on!  
  
Spike reappears, grabs a few bottles of beer, and disappears again.  
  
They all reappear in Voldemort's garden. Snape has passed out, and Spike it still boozing. Buffy picks Snape up, and goes to knock on the door…  
  
Sorry this chapter is so short! 


	5. The end.

Disclaimer: Joss is God. J. K. Rowling is also good. Nuff Said.  
  
Chapter 5:  
  
Buffy knocks on the door. A voice answers. It is Voldemort's.  
  
V- Who is it?  
  
Buffy- Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  
  
V- Alright, alright, no need to get all sarcastic. I was only asking.  
  
The door opens. V looks out. He sees:  
  
A small, blonde woman holding a large man with greasy hair  
  
A white-blonde man, holding a bottle of beer and looking very, very drunk  
  
2 15-year-olds gazing lovingly into eachothers' eyes  
  
A small ginger-head (no offence to anyone)  
  
V- Hello. Do I know you?  
  
Harry- You know me!  
  
V- Harry? I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you under all that lipstick. You don't normally wear that much. I mean, you wear a lot, but…  
  
Buffy- Shut up. Where's the teddy bear?  
  
V- In a place you will never find him. Mwah ha ha ha ha!  
  
BBW- I thought you said he would be next to the cheese? In the fridge. In the kitchen. Which is the 2nd on the left, just down that corridor.  
  
Buffy- Thank you.  
  
She walks through, briefly pausing to knock Voldemort out. She disappears for a moment, and reappears with Brutus.  
  
Harry- Yay, Brutus!  
  
Snape comes to.  
  
Snape- Huh? I was having a dream. I was a slice of cake, and I was sitting on a plate. (sings) I am cake, I sit on a plate. La la la la la la la la la.  
  
Spike- (also singing) I… um… What am I again? Anyway. (sings. Badly) Puddles are wet.  
  
Spike and Snape continue to sing, harmonising with eachother.  
  
ATP- Ok. Spike, Buffy and Dawn have to go home now.  
  
Dawn- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Harry- I suppose this means goodbye then, my love.  
  
Dawn- Yes.  
  
They exchange one last, passionate embrace.  
  
Dawn- Farewell.  
  
Dawn disappears with a pop.  
  
Ron- I suppose this means goodbye then, my love.  
  
Buffy- Huh?  
  
Ron- Just give me one last kiss, before you go.  
  
Buffy- Alright.  
  
She gives him a peck on the cheek. Ron faints.  
  
Buffy- Bye, everyone.  
  
Everyone- Bye.  
  
Buffy disappears with a bang.  
  
Snape- The pretty fairy went away.  
  
Spike- I should go too.  
  
Snape- Bye bye, little dumpling.  
  
Spike- Bye bye, meatball.  
  
Spike disappears with a flumf.  
  
ATP- Maybe you should go too.  
  
ATP waves her magic earlobe and they all disappear with a kapow.  
  
They reappear back in Hogwarts.  
  
Harry- Well. That was… interesting.  
  
1 THE END 


End file.
